Faith, Living Life, Motherhood

When God Says No

I’ve been a bit quiet on the blog lately. Some because I’m working on super exciting things like my upcoming book launch (in March!) and a new beautiful giveaway that I’m announcing soon!

But the other reason isn’t sparkly or exciting.

I was pregnant and now I’m not.

I’m still in the thick of this one, so I have less than half figured out. Some days, grief hangs heavy around my neck and other times, it’s a smelly onion I thought I’d gotten rid of until another painful layer peels away.

Due to medical advances and a fertility specialist, Jared and I learned something was wrong at 7 weeks. We spent the last days of baby’s life soaking up every sweet moment. I told fun stories about big brother Dillon and aimed every warm thought of love toward my belly.

When God says no.

And. We. Prayed.

We laid hands on my bloated baby bump and asked God for healing. We called on friends and loved ones for prayer. We fought alongside our little warrior as baby contended for life, asking God that if it could be His will, for Him to breathe life and health into our youngest child.

He said no.

We lost baby sometime in the 9th week.

Writing is often how I process things, so I’ve tried to pour out this post for a few days now. But I always got stuck at this same spot. I’d type and delete, type and delete, as I tried to figure out what this post is. Am I writing a remembrance to the child I lost? A word of hope to other moms going through a similar pain? A journal entry as I work through the sadness?

But now I know. I need to instruct my heart. God’s said no to me before, lots of times. But except for my first miscarriage, never for something that felt this big, or that hurt so badly. So I’m processing. I’m trying to roll with the ongoing waves of emotion without letting them overtake me. Many moments and even hours are good and full of peace. And then sometimes, I hit these tough spots where my thoughts go crazy and feelings start flooding. When all the questions and hurt from what I don’t know grow too heavy, I remind myself of what I know to be true and anchor myself there.

If there is anything a sufferer needs, it is not an explanation, but a fresh new look at God. – Don Bake, Pain's Hidden Purpose

So I’m using this post to re-center my heart yet again. Care to join me?

I know God has me and loves me. (Psalm 34:18, Romans 5:8)

I know God gets me and can handle this. I’m pretty sure I can’t handle this, but I know God can. He’s not upset by my tears or questions. He welcomes our dialogue because He wants to connect with me and be with me through this because He’s the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. (2 Corinthians 1:3)

I know He is good and all He does is good. Not only that, the not-good stuff that happens God turns around to use for the good of those who love Him. (Psalm 119:68, Romans 8:28)

I know that even when His plan is different from mine, I want His will done. It’s more fun when our plans align, but when they don’t, I choose His way. I will not let any circumstance, no matter how difficult, limit my worship. Our relationship and my love for Him isn’t about what He does for me.

I know this hurts and I hate the mourning. And I know He’ll see me through.

Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

I know His no to this is a yes to something better because He knows what I cannot. Maybe He’s saying yes to my baby living in heavenly peace instead of physical hardship. I really have no clue what the better yes is, but I believe it and trust it because I trust Him. And my God never lets me down.

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. (Ecclesiastes 11:5)

If you could use this heart reminder in the tough season you’re facing, I’d love to hear what truth you’re holding onto. My prayers go out for you.