Jared and I
There. I said it. I love my him dearly but my husband doesn’t make me happy. And I don’t make him happy either.
Rounding the bend towards six years of marriage, I realize we still have a great deal to learn. I look forward to a lifetime of experiences and new revelation ahead. But one truth that I have come to grips with already is the disaster that comes if I depend on my husband for fulfillment.
Jared is a fantastic husband. Loving. Loyal. My best friend. But even with all his wonderful qualities, it’s not my man who makes me happy.
#1 I can be unhappy and it has nothing to do with him.
My dearest may be perfectly pleasing, and do everything he can to show love and affection, and I can still lack the feeling of happiness. I have these days—you may too—where I’m discontent. When I can’t quite place it but I’m not quite myself. When nothing is wrong but I feel like crying, or shopping, or eating my weight in chocolate. Recognizing this helps me because it leads to the second realization.
#2 My husband is not responsible for making me happy.
Does he want me to be happy? Sure! But that’s not his job. Which is a good thing too, because he has no control over my emotions. And that’s all happiness is, an emotion.
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It’s a nice, temporary feeling.
Imagine happiness like a warm fire on a cold winter morning. Flames dancing on the kindling, providing flickering light and warmth to the room. My husband’s efforts are like building a fire with newspaper. It lights brilliantly, but is gone as quickly as it began. Always needing more. Used up in an instant.
#3 The Lord brings fulfillment.
I love the movie Jerry Maguire but it lies about love. Jared can’t complete me. Even if he devoted his entire life to this effort, he would come up short. It breaks my heart to hear of marriages ending because they don’t make each other happy anymore.
Humans can’t fulfill humans.
We are built, designed for, and desperate for fulfillment from God. In the thralls of early romance it may seem like you’ve found your purpose, your passion, your identity, the ultimate prize. Your mate can’t fill those shoes.
Only God can provide lasting fulfillment. No one knew this better than the Samaritan woman in John 4, who had four husbands and was living with a man who was not her husband. She meets Jesus and he offers her living water, so that she might never thirst again. Through Christ she received that which no earthly man was able to give her.
#4 Fulfillment brings joy. Happiness is a bonus.
In God’s presence I am forgiven. Redeemed. I experience peace and hope. Freedom. When I rely on God, He grants me joy. Contentment beyond my circumstances. Longer lasting than flash paper, more refreshing than a single cup of water.
Therefore my heart is glad and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure…In your presence there is fullness of joy. Psalm 16:9,11
Our First Dance
And as a bonus, I find myself happy. No longer the end prize, happiness becomes a bi-product. The encouragement, affection, and affirmation I receive from my husband reiterate the value and security I already experience in Christ. Jared and I can share happy experiences and enjoy time together without the burden of empty voids I need him to fill. The Lord fills my cup and Jared contributes to the overflow.
Are you depending on your mate for happiness? Change that today!
